Men

How can these creatures give me:
the pain that I never wanted
the love that I have always craved
the joy of being free
the loneliness of being without one

I grew up in a house where these creature's absence isn't amiss
Yet growing up, I've always prayed to God to make him come back home
Always. Everyday.
Until one day I stopped praying.

When I was in highschool, this boy asked me out
I didn't think I'd love it but I did
Turns out I needed the affection more than him
So he left me for some other girl

5 years after, I met this guy by chance
At first, my trust issues got in the way
He was kind and gentle, the type of man who you could get lost into
Unlike the other 2, this creature never promised anything
No security. No future. No control.
Just freedom.
At the end of the night, I said goodbye and I never saw him again

I sit here in my bed thinking of why I couldn't find the right one
Contemplating on whether I'm always at wrong or people are just always in the hurry to leave
Especially men. Especially the men in my life. Let me correct that: especially the men that was in life
When are they going to stay?


When are you going to stay?

Life is Difficult

I'm in this stage in life where everything I do feels wrong
Where no matter how optimistic I am, things seem to fall apart
Tell me. What do I do?
What can I do?
or...
What could I do?
Is it really the case of going with the flow
or going against it?
Should I go to an unknown path as I seek myself
or do I go with what is planned.


I didn't want to be a failure.
I still don't.
I just wish I can change it.
I just wish I could.

Mr. Capricious and Ms. Apathy

One sunny day in a place where daffodils are just starting to bloom, a man named Mr. Capricious met a woman named Ms. Apathy. At first, Ms. Apathy doesn’t care about Mr. Capricious. He wasn’t tall nor as good looking as it seems but he does have this unexplainable aura that Ms. Apathy can’t figure. She was baffled as to why this man seems to make her heart race a million times than ordinary. She can’t comprehend nor process why his presence seems to pull her heart out like she just ran in a triathlon. Still, she won’t give in to him easily. She doesn’t care if her stupid heart won’t stop racing, she cannot be swayed by this stranger in just a blink of an eye.

Mr. Capricious on the other hand, was persistent. He liked the girl, though he had never felt that way before. This is the first time in his life that he tries and successfully became persistent of a single woman. She can’t stop thinking about her. He has fantasies about her every minute of every day. So, with perseverance and patience he wooed the girl she met on that faithful day. And at long last, Ms. Apathy gave in to Mr. Capricious and they became lovers at all sorts.

 It didn’t take long for them to be serious with each other. Ms. Apathy though lacking with care and affection loves Mr. Capricious with all her heart. She does everything for him in a way that she has never done before. Just like in Mr. Capricious’ case, he tried his very best knowing how he becomes bored easily. He wanted to change every bit of disinterest in his system. That’s how much he loves this woman. They both change for each other. In result, they were happy and very much in love.

Soon, they were living together. They construct things for their future. Dreaming and hoping that one day they would fulfill it. Like sweet lovers under the moonlight they touch each other and feel each other’s body like it was their own. Ms. Apathy can still feel her heart racing when he is with her. She loves him just like how much he loves her. Before long, Mr. Capricious asked Ms. Apathy to be his wife. It was simple and straight to the point. He liked her so much he ought to put a ring on her. Ms. Apathy though unsure of things answered yes and soon they were called Mr. and Mrs. Capricious.

Though people called Ms. Apathy, Mrs. Capricious she still can’t adapt to it. If one thing, she was born to finish things. She doesn’t give up easily just like Mr. Capricious. Yet, what can she do? Her heart races when she’s with him just like the first time that they met. Sometimes, you just can’t choose who you love. Mr. Capricious as always was glad that Ms. Apathy is now called under his name. It was pure bliss and satisfaction to know that he can do this. He can change a person’s name under his. He feels so amazing that he and Ms. Apathy are now one and the same. Love really do moves mysteriously.

               Yet not all relationships sails smoothly. Little by little the couple starts to argue with things. Little things and big things. Things should not have matter and things that should. Mr. Capricious starts to wane as Ms. Apathy goes back to having little to no emotion at all. The rope is starting to get thinner and brittle. The world is evolving little by little just like this two individual. Mr. Capricious became busy with work until he devoted his efforts and energy into it leaving Ms. Apathy alone in the dark. Ms. Apathy can feel everything is starting to change. She barely sees Mr. Capricious and he rarely talks to her about anything. This is not what she wished for. This is not their future. This is not what they dreamed together. So, she has to do something to fix it because even though Mr. Capricious is always disinterested she knows how they love each other and she knows how much she loves him. She won’t give up easily.

               So, with her held high she went to Mr. Capricious’ office. She was warmly welcomed and was invited in her husband’s office. She was getting confident because she know that’s he can fix this and they could start anew again. But when she opened his door, she saw Mr. Capricious kissing another girl. A younger and more confident looking woman was in her husband’s arms. Mr. Capricious stopped from what he was doing and look straight to his wife’s eyes. He saw hurt, anger and confusion in it. Tears were starting to flow on her face. All he can do was watch her leave the room with her right hand grasping her chest like pulling her heart out. He knew the consequences to what he did. He knew very well how she hurt his wife’s heart but he can’t do anything but to take full responsibility for his actions. And while staring at the ajar door he realized that this is the end of it. There is not turning back now.

               Ms. Apathy after running out of the building hailed a cab and went straight to her house—their house. She promised to fix things but she realized that must be too late for that. There is no retribution to this she knows it but still the ache in her hear won’t subside and even though she was aching she still beats for his traitorous husband. This is it she thought. This is the end of us. And though she can’t comprehend it she knew that they both exhaust the love that they felt for each other. So upon arriving to the house, she packed her things, went out and never look back.

               This isn’t how it should end but they were very reckless from the start. She has her doubts and he has his short interest. Somewhere between meeting each other and loving one another that thought had crossed their minds. Yet they were stubborn. They knew the odds and they still pushed through. What can they do, Apathy is still apathy even though she bleeds for someone while capricious is still capricious even though he liked her once. She still won’t have feelings and she still won’t care as well as he will be interested until he runs out of interest. They both can’t change who they are even if they try. Even if they want. Even if it is for love.

              

We=Ghosts

Grief is our common base

Tragedy is what keeps us going

 It doesn't matter if we didn't live to the fullest

We are ghosts anyway

You

I found myself in the middle of nowhere
Drenched in the warmth of the sun
The cold wind envelopes my silhouetted face

Against the current of the water
I saw how the rock by the bay are holding it in
They are strong and sturdy against the lashing water

This brings a smile to my face
I was suddenly reminded of you
The rocks is as if persevering against all odds

Just like you
Just like you will..

Bitter Sweet Goodbye

I sat here and realize just how much
I needed your goodbye
I thought I wouldn't want to hear it
I thought we were forever

I tried to escape the impending predicament
I left
I hid
I looked away

I don't want to hear it then
I'm desperate for it now
Funny how time and circumstances can change you
How a single mistake can wipe out all the memories

A mistake-- a catalyst of change
Now, I face the mirror and wish I haven't uttered a word
I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to resist
I gave in to my ego and that's it...
That's the end of it.

As I sat here, appalled by the retreating sun
I realize two things
Maybe I needed this
We both needed this

Now you know, please let me be
Take your own ego as I take mine
Leave my mind as well as my heart and
Give me a bitter sweet goodbye

A Penny for a Thought

I don't know what's going to happen but I can feel the change it will do to my life.
Maybe there's a reason why things are going down or maybe I'm just trying to appease myself
It doesn't matter. So long as I said what I have to say. Would this affect my future? Maybe.
What will I become? Every night I think of the many versions on what my life would be like 10 years from now. Will I be what I dreamed to be? Will I be successful? Or will I be with child or children? Will I still be in this country? Will I be devoted to work? Who will stay with me and who will leave me? Who will betray me and who will love me? Who will I become? Am I still me?

Sometimes, I want to go o the future and see what I have become. I want to know the answers to my finite questions. I want to know where will I go wrong. Where will I be? Do I still belong? Am I still alive?





Aren't you a bit curious on how your life played out?