You

I found myself in the middle of nowhere
Drenched in the warmth of the sun
The cold wind envelopes my silhouetted face

Against the current of the water
I saw how the rock by the bay are holding it in
They are strong and sturdy against the lashing water

This brings a smile to my face
I was suddenly reminded of you
The rocks is as if persevering against all odds

Just like you
Just like you will..

Bitter Sweet Goodbye

I sat here and realize just how much
I needed your goodbye
I thought I wouldn't want to hear it
I thought we were forever

I tried to escape the impending predicament
I left
I hid
I looked away

I don't want to hear it then
I'm desperate for it now
Funny how time and circumstances can change you
How a single mistake can wipe out all the memories

A mistake-- a catalyst of change
Now, I face the mirror and wish I haven't uttered a word
I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to resist
I gave in to my ego and that's it...
That's the end of it.

As I sat here, appalled by the retreating sun
I realize two things
Maybe I needed this
We both needed this

Now you know, please let me be
Take your own ego as I take mine
Leave my mind as well as my heart and
Give me a bitter sweet goodbye

A Penny for a Thought

I don't know what's going to happen but I can feel the change it will do to my life.
Maybe there's a reason why things are going down or maybe I'm just trying to appease myself
It doesn't matter. So long as I said what I have to say. Would this affect my future? Maybe.
What will I become? Every night I think of the many versions on what my life would be like 10 years from now. Will I be what I dreamed to be? Will I be successful? Or will I be with child or children? Will I still be in this country? Will I be devoted to work? Who will stay with me and who will leave me? Who will betray me and who will love me? Who will I become? Am I still me?

Sometimes, I want to go o the future and see what I have become. I want to know the answers to my finite questions. I want to know where will I go wrong. Where will I be? Do I still belong? Am I still alive?





Aren't you a bit curious on how your life played out?

Shadow and Persona

So, lately I've been really downtrodden. I sought help in my bestfriend who is actually a psychology major and she told me how sometimes people will not understand you. You, yourself can't understand yourself. She told me about Shadow and Persona by Carl Jung. She told me that there's more to us than this facade that we built for people to see. Here it goes, she said:

• Persona is the face that we let the society see. This is the mask we wear to hide what's within us and what's not to love about us. This is what society expects from us. 
• While, Shadow is the inner you. The ugly truth about you. The one that you keep on hiding and trying to suppress because you don't like it and you know that people won't like it too. 

So, after knowing what it means. My bestfriend told me how these two should be intertwined. The gap between the two should not be that big or else you create a whole new you. That's when you realize that you don't know who you really are and your personality is unstable which makes me think about people in general. How sometimes I don't really understand them. How sometimes a person can make me mad or can break me. It all comes down with our personality. How our shadows sometimes is too strong or how our persona is too fake.

That being said I realize one thing. I cannot fix people's personality or even their shadows but I can fix mine. I shouldn't be so eager to change people around me or to let them see what I see when they have their own vision. I cannot just force them to like things that I like or even decide things for me.

My bestfriend told me that I have a strong personality and people may not take it lightly because of how I affect them. She told me how she loves that thing about me and I should not give it up for someone or something just because I am not accepted. She told me how we should all stay true to ourselves and don't let better judgement gets the best of us.

After talking to her it made me think of how shadow may be our demons but these demons are ours. This is our weakness and this is our faults. We own them and we may not be proud of it but we shouldn't let it hinder us from the world-- from what it could possibly give us. What I am trying to say is fuck it all up, make amends, and live the life that you want to live in. No one will  count your mistakes or even make a list of what is wrong to you. Just give in to what you think is right and let things go. If you're wrong then maybe you are but the doesn't mean it's really wrong. If you're right but it feels wrong do what you have to do. I trust in you.

Clueless

How do I tell you how it hurts?

How do I say it?

Do I say it nonchalantly?

Do I whisper it so no one can hear?

How do I tell you my reasons?

Or so I think it's a reason

Would you understand?

Will that be enough to stop the pain?

I don't know if you've been in this situation

but if you do

Please tell me what to say

I am so confused

Three words

You broke me.

Demons

How do we fight our own demons?
I can't fathom the right answer.
Do we simply sleep it off at night?
Do we fight it with our own strength using our fists?
Do we go to a doctor?

For so many years since the day that they left
The demons have never left my side
Sometimes it's comforting to know
That someone is there for you
Even though they mean you harm

Other times the demons lashes so hard
So unforgivably firm
that my skin is left open and my heart turns to waste
It was painful then
It's a torment now

I am asking you one last time
How do we fight our demons?
When it is your demons
My own inflicted demons

Crippled

I wanted to tell you
I wanted you to know
but I guess
I don't have the courage
to say how broken I am
when you left

Long Gone

There are words that I can never speak.
Feelings that I should not feel.
Actions that I can never do.
Yes I am human but I am long gone too

Dead Poets by Lang Leav

The greatest heartache comes from loving another soul, 
they said, beyond reason, beyond doubt, with no hope of salvation.

Endure

You always ask me

Why I look pale

Why I am quiet and disarray

You told me once

how selfish I am

How indifferent

And apathetic I have been

That’s the thing about being hurt

You stop caring and you

Start enduring

Unspoken Redemption

Hi. So, I was tasked to write a second part for Paz Marquez Benitez's Dead Stars. So, here's my own version of what happened after Dead Stars since it's kind of an open ending story...

Alfredo stares at the varnished door as if he can melt it under his gazes. He was finally home after a long trip in places where faces of people are vague and indistinguishable. He was a thousand miles away from Calle Luz—millions of steps and hundreds of towns away from Julia Salas. Alfredo realized that after that conversation a part of him has been set free. There was no pretending that he felt light and more alive after meeting Julia Salas, a girl that he once adored.

It wasn’t easy to let go of the feelings that he had for her ever since the day that she met her at Judge Del Valle’s house. He couldn’t possibly believe that after eight long years he finally understood that Julia Salas is just a dead star—a feeling he gets whenever he would look back to those black and white days when intentions becomes confusing and times gets desperate. It brings a smile to his lips whenever he remembers the warmth of Julia’s presence, her soft gazes that once became his comfort and those rare moments when he would hear her melancholic laughs. It did not strike him until a thought went through his head. He wasn’t in love with the girl, he was in love with the memory of her and the feeling that comes with it.  He liked the feeling of blood pumping through his veins whenever he thinks of Julia Salas living as Julia Salazar. He loved the idea of being with her in his every waking hours.  Clearly he was enticed with the process and adventures that comes with an unforbidden love.  

It was all over now he thought. He has a whole life ahead of him and he swore that he would spent every breathing hours to the one the he should have been thinking above everyone—Esperanza. The girl that he swore to love until the day that their creator comes to claim him. The only woman that she is to spent his whole lifetime with bliss and fidelity. The person that he could lean on when things gets tough and unpredictable. He realized that he cannot change what is in the past but he is sure that he can change things for his future—their future.

Alfredo took a deep breath and exhaled an air full of hesitation and doubts out of his system. He twists the knob of the door and went inside the house. The aroma of Esperanza’s cooking greeted him midway to the sala. She was cooking his favorite, Alfredo thought. Kare-kare. That thought brought a smile to his face. He was thankful that he was blessed with a partner that knows everything about him. Now, it is time to show Esperanza that her choice of husband is not as bad as Alfredo thinks it is. It was obvious that he is guilty of things he wish he can undo. How little he thinks of himself for tricking Esperanza, his family, the people and even God that he was faithful to his words and deeds. This is the chance to make things right he thought and he won’t waste any chances that he can get. He went straight to the kitchen and he was greeted with a smiling Esperanza holding a wooden ladle. Despite of the fact that she was only wearing an apron and house clothes her posture and regal managed to make her look young and iridescent.

“Alfredo! Thank God you’re home safe.” Esperanza said. She was turning glances between the pot and Alfredo. Normally every time Alfredo goes home she would kiss him on the lips or on the cheeks but today was an exception.

It did occur to Alfredo that Esperanza might be losing her faith for him. After all eight years is a very long time for a woman to wait especially someone who is as beautiful and prim as Esperanza. It was a fine marriage he thought. Alfredo promised to himself that he would always treat Esperanza well despite of his confused mind. He would always go to church with Esperanza on Sundays and if time permits they go to parks or see movies. It was a routine since he has work from Mondays until Fridays. He figured that a woman like her though virtuous and faithful will feel sick and tired sooner or later.

For the first time in eight years he feels scared and a little bit rejected. This is what Esperanza must feel at the start of their marriage. He knows that she knows things that he won’t dare say in person. Behind her caring eyes lies the pain that she keeps on hiding from Alfredo. She has been through enough he thought. Esperanza is so headstrong to be with a man that as useless as him. It has to change he thought.  From now on things will never be the same. Alfredo put his bag on the kitchen counter and he embraces Esperanza from behind. He held her tight and tender hoping that he can fill the empty spaces in their relationship. He rested his head on her shoulder passing her a secret message—a whisper of air as if someone can hear his beating heart loud and fast.

“I missed you.” Alfredo whispered on Esperanza’s ears. It was soft and tingling that made Esperanza flinch. Esperanza was taken aback by Alfredo’s sudden affection. She was used to the Alfredo that would stood like a stick every time she kissed him on the lips or the Alfredo who would fake a smile just to please her. This Alfredo is different. The warmth of his arms around her body feels so foreign that it totally freeze the insides of her mind. Sure they hugged a couple of times but this is different. Being this close to him feels odd but in a good way. There is a certain feeling between them—a certain understanding that everything is about to change. Something in the way Alfredo held her feels like a promise that things will work out to the way Esperanza hopes it will be from the very start of their marriage. She knew even before she married Alfredo that he was uncertain yet he still chose to marry her and that is enough reason for her to stick with this man through thick and thin.

“Are you that hungry to feel so affectionate towards me?” she asked playfully smiling. It was meant to be a joke but for Alfredo it means everything. It pierced through his heart that Esperanza confuses affection with necessities. He could not blame her for thinking that way, after all where was his mind and soul whenever she needed it from him.  He needs to clarify things he thought. He needs to reassure her that this time around he will be a great companion for her and for their family. Alfredo stopped hugging Esperanza and he lightly cupped her small face. Without any hints he kissed her. Slowly and affectionately pouring his heart and soul into her. It was meant to relieve every uncertainty and pain that Esperanza felt through those eight years with a mentally absent husband. This is not a sorry kiss Alfredo thought. This is a kiss that speaks from his heart—an emotion stronger and louder than any other feelings—embellishing the canvas of their lives that was once gray and dull. Slowly Alfredo broke away from the kiss he knew that every emotion that he wants Esperanza to feel was delivered through her heart and mind.

“Esperanza--.” Alfredo was caught midsentence when Esperanza switch of the fire of the stove.

“The food is ready Alfredo. Let’s eat.”  Esperanza turn away from Alfredo to put the rice on the plate. While on the other hand Alfredo prepares the table. The room was filled with a tensioned atmosphere. Esperanza never thought that they would have this kind of situation.

Finally they are all set to eat. As a healthy Christians, they thanked God for their food and then proceed to suffer. Every ticking seconds of the clock is the sound that their hearts are making. Both of them cannot hear very well because of the loud pumping of their heart through their veins. They weren’t prepared for this Alfredo thought yet what better way to start a whole new life but today.

“Esperanza.” He spoke her name with love and tender. He is unsure of what he would say but certain that he would make things right today at this very moment. “I don’t know where to start Esperanza but lately I have been thinking about us. About what would it be like if I was a better husband for you?” He looked at Esperanza with an intensity she could not distinguish.

“I realized that the things that has been bothering me for years doesn’t really matter. I was too focused on what is in the past that I did not see what’s beyond it—see you.” This time something hard plummeted inside of Esperanza. She remembered the times when she would hide in their bathroom stopping herself from feeling anything or the times when she would cry herself to sleep because things were not playing as good as she thought it would. Of course Alfredo did not know this. She refused to let him see that she was being affected. There it is again the lump on her throat threatening to spill through her eyes. One thing that she have learned from this was that tears can never bring back wasted time and lost mementos.

“I know that it is a little too late but one can never be late when you know that you have a lifetime to spend it with someone. I want to start over. I don’t want to try fixing things. I want to make things work… Not because for the sake of the people but for the sake of our relationship.” There was a long silence passing between them. If Esperanza was shocked she did not show it. Alfredo’s heart is catching up with his throat he feels like at any second it will choke him. This was it the rejection that he deserve. He was such a fool to think that Esperanza will ever feel the same way but he figured that this is his last chance. It is now or never.

“I’m so sorry that I--.” He was cut midsentence.

“I understand.” Esperanza spoke. She rests her hands on his across the table. Somehow those two words meant a thousand more words than Alfredo would care to admit. It was the perfect words that unveils a promise of redemption and a lifetime of commitment. A lifelong of certainties as a true husband and wife.

Always Be My Home

I look at the place that once bred me

It is standing still in the cold December

I am miles away but I can feel the weather it brings

I need to leave

I thought I can escape the cold by forcing the summer

Yet there it is clinging inside my veins

Dragging and demanding me to come back

Let me be

At last, a bunch of sunshine in May

Dandelions afloat through the surface of the world

I feel redemption, waking my senses as I see the light

Under the scorching heat, it burns the past that I carry

I finally found my happiness in this small place downtown South

They smell of honey and rose

They cured my wounds and helped me start over

I finally found where I belong

It was perfect, I was happy

Then comes my freezing past, slicing me open

Re-opening my wounds, seething my veins

I’m scared, I don’t want to hurt no one

I look at the place that gave me the stars and the moon

They were very nice to let a broken parcel in

But I’m scared of the darkness

I’m scared to be left alone

Here I am again, in a dark room

Broken and can’t be fixed

I want to let you know

Your company is my home

It will always be my home

Moments Like This

In the cooling breeze of the night

Under the twinkling stars and busy lights

Inside this room full of familiar sights

I see us

Beneath polite smiles and quiet gestures

A pressure inside my chest starts to pulse

Throat pumped with soil and dirt

I miss us

It could have been better

It would have been happier

The walls should be yellow but I see gray

I feel us

City lights throbs in sync with my chest

I’m trapped and lost

The warmth has left my body cold and blue

I need you, I need us

I try to recollect and see you in my mind

Still and beautiful

Happy like how home should feel like

I breathe us

Moments like this makes me realize

How people differ from people

Companion cures loneliness

But home is where happiness lies

I thought about it and I’ll only say it once

You are my home.

Aimless

There is a girl who lives in the spaces of paper

She gets up in the morning

She tries to keep moving

But in the end she won’t bother

Sometimes, you’ll see her out of her binder

Mixed in the unfamiliarity of the world

She floats with the wind

You’ll feel her, here and there

She’s fond of playing games

She hides when no one seeks

Runs when no one chases

Her heart dark in abyss

There’s a girl who lives in the spaces of paper

She get’s up in the morning

She tries to keep moving

But her heart barely beating

Open letter to my past

Dear you,

You know what’s difficult to do? Letting go. What’s worse is moving on. I have done it many times. I have said it often but I don’t think I’m true to my words. Sometimes, I can feel myself letting go. I really can feel it but then something will happen and then I’m back to where I was. 

How pathetic isn't? Trying to pull myself up, trying to make this facade that I’m strong and that I can do it alone when in fact I am crashing down. Every time something happens to me, something that is close to what you did my mind reacts so fast I can’t control it. I protect myself from everyone who wants to harm me. Even if it’s petty and even if it’s nonsense. What can I do? That’s the only way to guard my heart—at least to what little it remains. Am I to be blame? Can you hold it against me? I was just being there for myself when no one is willing to.

What do I do? I cling to this loneliness. This has been my life since the day that you left. I cling to that pain. I bore it in my heart and soul. You were once the rose that made me smile but your torn left me hanging on the edge. Why did you leave me? Why did you let your demons gets the best of you? We were okay? I thought we were. Now your demons left you and they stayed with me. Since then I carry the burden you passed on me.

So many question that are left unanswered. How will I go on my life? How? I am nearly empty. How do I stop myself from pushing people away? How do I trust people? How do I go on with my life when you have taken it all away?

I want to see my real self again. Soon. I wish I could but I know I can’t. You hold the key to who I was and now I’m imprisoned to your past.

Why? Why do this to me? I’m still stuck here. I am still down here. It truly does not break even, I get it now.

I crave for the closure that you should have given me three years ago. Set me free so I’ll learn to be free. Paint me wings and let me free. Please make me free so I can let go and move on with my life. I beg of you open the latch and set me free.

P.S: You will always be in my future