Open letter to my past

Dear you,

You know what’s difficult to do? Letting go. What’s worse is moving on. I have done it many times. I have said it often but I don’t think I’m true to my words. Sometimes, I can feel myself letting go. I really can feel it but then something will happen and then I’m back to where I was. 

How pathetic isn't? Trying to pull myself up, trying to make this facade that I’m strong and that I can do it alone when in fact I am crashing down. Every time something happens to me, something that is close to what you did my mind reacts so fast I can’t control it. I protect myself from everyone who wants to harm me. Even if it’s petty and even if it’s nonsense. What can I do? That’s the only way to guard my heart—at least to what little it remains. Am I to be blame? Can you hold it against me? I was just being there for myself when no one is willing to.

What do I do? I cling to this loneliness. This has been my life since the day that you left. I cling to that pain. I bore it in my heart and soul. You were once the rose that made me smile but your torn left me hanging on the edge. Why did you leave me? Why did you let your demons gets the best of you? We were okay? I thought we were. Now your demons left you and they stayed with me. Since then I carry the burden you passed on me.

So many question that are left unanswered. How will I go on my life? How? I am nearly empty. How do I stop myself from pushing people away? How do I trust people? How do I go on with my life when you have taken it all away?

I want to see my real self again. Soon. I wish I could but I know I can’t. You hold the key to who I was and now I’m imprisoned to your past.

Why? Why do this to me? I’m still stuck here. I am still down here. It truly does not break even, I get it now.

I crave for the closure that you should have given me three years ago. Set me free so I’ll learn to be free. Paint me wings and let me free. Please make me free so I can let go and move on with my life. I beg of you open the latch and set me free.

P.S: You will always be in my future